Howdy, so I’ve not been abducted by aliens (yet), but I’ve been largely and somewhat sadly absent from this blog. My absence is in part due to the drain of school work and the struggle of not having the energy and drive to continue throughout the semester However I have some thoughts I’d like to share, as I get back into the habit of posting.
While sitting at my internship or staring dead-eyed into the pages of a textbook all I want to do is write more. Even when I’m doing nothing the urge to write is there when the ideas are not. You can imagine how frustrating it is to have such a strong desire, but then look at the page and NADA! NOPE! Brain gone bye-bye. Still this has been somewhat affirming because that means I really care about writing. Oddly, this has also driven me to pursue submissions to various magazines again. Last year I submitted to about 20 different places and heard back from ,I think, two if any. I wasn’t angry or depressed about it. The situation just made me switch focuses as I kept hustling. I resolved to try and improve my submissions, but I stopped because while some people can operate without direction I can’t. So I figured I would take my time to develop and finish some stories…which brings me to another issue.
As I’ve been thinking and planning submissions I’ve found myself struggling with something I have been trying to fight…I very rarely finish my stories. I’ve been trying to figure this out for years now and while the usual answer authors give is that they lose interest…I think I have another problem. Finishing stories, as I have been, is both satisfying and frightening. A finished story can disappoint you, and worse to make it shine it has to be developed, which means possibly discovering the story isn’t actually good. Call it commitment phobia, but it really stinks.Concluding a story even to later edit it seeds this strange doubt that I can’t quite get over except by forcing myself to write more. Truthfully I think this can be easiest when I limit distractions, turn off wi-fi and ignore everyone. This isn’t a matter of just being distracted, but of forcing my brain to focus. Now if I can’t write regardless then I won’t write. Why? Chances are I will barely string words into a pleasing sentence.
But those things are actually a very small part of the issue. The truth is it is hard to finish a story when that means finishing the story. I hate good-byes. I do. I have a problem letting go for a whole host of reasons. Over the last week I have been using submission deadlines to push me.
Will this work out?
Happy New Year My Lovelies!